Confession: I’m keeping you at arm’s length.
Ok, I may not be keeping you specifically at arm’s length; I may not even know you. But hear me out…
A question I hear a lot lately is “why is finding community so hard?” I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had over the last year discussing at length why deep, rich, Acts 2:42-like community is so hard to find. (Sidenote, let’s just acknowledge the fact that these conversations are usually had among groups of adults who are perfectly capable of having deep relationships with others looking each other in the eye saying they can’t find community as they stare face-to-face with it…yikes). It’s true, community is messy, you don’t always click with everyone, and, if we’re honest, post-college, single adult life isn’t exactly the easiest season of life to make friends in.
But let’s be real…
A lack of community is usually our own fault.
I’m gonna type it one more time, this time maybe read it out loud so you can hear it…
A lack of community is usually our own fault.
Now, I’m not a psychology expert in relationships, nor am I a bible scholar well versed in the Church and authentic, Christian community, so please don’t take any of this as law… but, I really do believe that when it comes to community, we’re typically our own worst enemy. Most of us are usually busy complaining about how we don’t have deep community while sitting on our butts waiting for the Lord to provide it, in the middle of a room full of perfectly lovely people all holding each other at arm’s length.
Now before I get too much more worked up about this, let me just confess that I’m the worst offender. To back up a little, you should know that I’m about as extroverted as you can get; to a fault if I’m honest. Being alone (like actually physically, not just in an emotional/mental sense), used to literally make me want to vomit. When I first graduated high school, the Lord surrounded me with some outstanding folks who figured this out pretty quickly and they would literally force me to go be by myself and spend good, long, quality time with the Lord. True story. It hurt a little at first, but it was oh so good for my soul. Anyways, because of that I’ve come to a realization recently: I have lots of great, wonderful friends, but few close, deep relationships.
Don’t get me wrong, I really do have some awesome, close, deep, relationships with people who make me laugh until my abs are sore and who are the quickest to point me back to Jesus when I loose focus. Without them, I doubt I’d be the woman I am today. They’re amazing. But, over the last few months I lost sight of that a little and got trapped in the “why is finding community so hard?” loop. It’s a dangerous place to be where we’re ungrateful for what we’ve been given…but that’s another post for another day… Through it though, I’ve come to realize that the reason I don’t have as much deep, rich community as I feel I should is largely because of me. I keep people at arm’s length. Me and my extroverted self have managed to have tons of fun, shallow friendships and then wonder why down the pipe I find those relationships have ended or are coming up empty in the deep, long-term relationships department.
Here’s my point to all of this rambling: we can’t expect to get deep, rich community if we’re not willing to put the time and energy into building deep, rich relationships. We have to own our own crap sometimes. Community doesn’t just happen overnight and relationships aren’t formed in a day. It’s hard, it’s messy and it really sucks sometimes to open your heart and set it on the coffee table as you share a meal with friends.
Despite the risk and the uncertainty of relationships though, it’s something we were designed for. In Genesis 2:18, before God creates woman he says “…it is not good for man to be alone..” God literally hardwired us for relationships. He created us to be in relationship with other believers and ultimately with Him. We can’t get through this life alone. We need people to encourage us, hold us accountable, challenge us, be our cheerleaders and give us a good ol’ smack upside the head when we’re acting dumb (in love, of course 
).
Like I said, I’m not an expert when it comes to relationships and community, but it just seems to make sense that we have to be willing to put in to something what we want to get out of it. If we want authentic community, then we have to be authentic. If we want deep community, then we have to be willing to dive head first into the deep end. So now I’m working on letting my guard down; on letting my arms relax and letting people get a little closer than I used to.