Confession: Full-time ministry has made me cynical.
Go ahead. Point your finger, judge me, be confused or disappointed. I’ve been there. I remember being naive enough to believe that everyone in ministry was the cream of the crop. I remember thinking that as long as someone was working “in the name of the Lord” they could do no wrong. If 15 year old Kay knew how these ideals would be demolished, she’d probably laugh in my face and cry in disappointment at the same time.
As most of you may or may not know, I grew up in the church. It truly was awesome. My parents were deeply involved in everything from youth ministry to VBS to even sports and running the homeschool group that was associated with our church. As a kiddo, everything seemed sweet and neatly packaged with a bow. Life in ministry was awesome.
Now looking back, things probably weren’t as squeaky clean as I thought. I know my parents could share stories about seasons that were good, moments that were bad, and times that were hard and sweet all at the same time. After a few years around the ministry block as an adult, I can tell you that I now understand that just because something has the label “ministry” tied to it, doesn’t mean it’ll be easy or enjoyable. I’ve shared this verse before, but Proverbs 14:13 tells us that “even in laughter the heart may be in pain, and the end of joy may be grief” (I feel like that’s been the theme song of the year). I know it’s true, but nevertheless, working in ministry full-time, as sweet as it can be, has been somewhat disappointing and made me a bit jaded.
I tend to struggle to remember the fallenness of man. I hold Christians (especially those working in ministry) to standards I doubt even Mother Theresa could hold to. I so deeply desire to see the Kingdom advanced with excellence that not only do other people disappoint me, but I disappoint me. My heart so easily puts people on pedestals and even more easily builds walls when those pedestals come crashing down. I’ll fully admit that the problem isn’t just other people, but it’s me. It’s my expectations and the way I handle them. Then, when my expectations and reality don’t line up, I tend to react like a toddler in a grown-up disguise.
I’d like to say that in the midst of our broken world and fallen context, I have the grace to continue to show Christ’s love, even when reality doesn’t meet my expectations. Sometimes, some moments, I can get it! I can show grace and mercy and can hand my expectations over to Jesus with open hands and let me tell you, it’s so much easier in the end. But instead, most of the time, I get angry, I get frustrated, I let my disappointment cloud my judgement, and I add a few more bricks to the walls around my heart and add some fuel to the cynical fire I let continue to burn.
Since I quit my job in May, I’ve taken a bit of a step back from full-time ministry. It’s been so good for my heart to get to heal a little and have some space to breathe. Getting to just be involved in ministry on a part-time, volunteer basis has helped me regain a good perspective on things. I love ministry, I love God’s people and getting to serve them, but I had to hand that over to Jesus for Him to really work. I had to let go of my expectations and my ideals to really get to see His good purpose.
Ministry will always be hard and will always be messy in this fallen world we live in. Believers are still broken humans and I still tend to hold too tightly to my expectations. But, dang can it be so sweet at the same time. In the midst of the hard and messy, I tend to lose sight of the good and sweet. Even when I can’t see it, though, God is at work and His work is always, always good.
I’m working on being less cynical. I’m trying to open my heart and not let it’s jaded perspective keep me from seeing where God is truly at work. It’s hard, it’s painful and sometimes just plain annoying to let that go. Jesus has been beyond gracious with me through the process, though, and for that I’m thankful.