Confession: I haven’t been on a date in over a year.
Now, this is not a post about being a strong, independent single person, nor is it a post about my longing to have a boyfriend/fiancé/husband. It is not a post about the problem with men in today’s world, and it is not a post about how I’ve kissed dating goodbye. This post is simply about one thing: identity.
These days, I scroll through my Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, even Snapchat and find at least one engagement announcement, wedding hashtag or “Baby Coming Soon” a week. Then, when we get to any type of holiday break, the engagements increase by the hundreds. Possibly thousands. This causing all of my insecurities and anxieties about the future to boil up into threats of deleting all of my social channels… I know, insanity. Surely I’m not the only who has reached this point… on multiple occasions.
I then find myself pleading with the Lord for some glimmer of hope that I’ll one day be in a romantic relationship with a man again. Sound completely desperate? Don’t pretend you’ve never been there before. Shortly after this mental breakdown, though, I find myself in an optimistic state of “I am completely content with being single the rest of my life!” Only to be completely crushed again by the next rush of diamond rings and bridesmaid poses on my newsfeed.
Can you say “EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER”?
Ok, maybe this is over-the-top dramatic, but trust me…the struggle is real. Now at this point you’re probably thinking “I thought she was gonna talk about identity, why is she rambling about being an emotional wreck?” I promise, I’m getting there. Here’s what I’m realizing about these emotional breakdowns: they come from a misplaced piece of my identity. Now, I wouldn’t call myself an expert in identity, but I would say I’m fairly skilled in the area of identity crisis. Unfortunately, I’ve had to learn the identity lesson more than once in my 21 years of life. Just when I think I’m 100% secure in who I am, I fall apart. But then the Lord in His grace reminds me who He is and who I really am.
But when it comes to my relationship status…well, let’s just say that that’s a side of my identity I’ve never really been able to come to grips with. I mean, it’s one thing to be single, but another to realize that you haven’t had a lot of chances to not be single. Especially living in a day and age where dating is such a big part of our culture, it seems to magnify the problem. And the craziest part? Even in the Church and Christian culture, where you’d think being single would be more accepted, it feels a little less accepted. Ha, I mean it’s like I turned 21 and suddenly everyone’s like “ooo you’re getting old, you need a man.” Ok, so no one literally said those words… but for whatever reason it usually feels like that’s actually what they’re saying.
Look at those words again, though: “you need a man.” No one needs a boyfriend, or fiancé, or husband. Why do so many of us seem to think that? Even if we know it’s not true in our heads, it’s like somewhere in our hearts we still believe it to be true. When I believe that’s true, though, this is the lie I’m believing about my identity: you won’t be happy without a boyfriend. You’ll be lonely without a fiance. Your life won’t be complete without a husband. Woof. That’s a lot to put on a relationship with a human- an imperfect, fallible human. But here’s the thing: if that’s what it’s going to take to make me truly and completely happy, then I have a feeling life is going to be terribly disappointing.
Lately I’ve been realizing, though, that if I don’t believe those lies, that if I truly believe that my identity is totally and completely 100% who God says I am, then being single isn’t as big of a deal. Even in the midst of those engagement announcements and wedding hashtags, I can trust that God’s plan for my future, whether it includes a man or not, is far better than I can imagine. I don’t need a man. I need the Lord and His ever abundant grace. So on the lonely days or the days where I think I’m the only single person left on the planet, I can still say that He is good and that I am deeply and completely known and loved.